JOKES FOR YOU

HOW TO IDENTIFY DIFFERENT CITIZENS OF INDIA

Scenario 1  

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on.  

That's MUMBAI  

Scenario 2  

Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on their mobiles. Now 50 guys are fighting.  

You are definitely in PUNJAB  !!!  

Scenario 3  

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along and tries to make peace.  

The first two get together and beat him up.  

That's DELHI  

Scenario 4  

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch.

A guy comes along and quietly opens a Chai-stall.  

That's AHMEDABAD  

Scenario 5  

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes.  

He writes a software program to stop the fight.  

But the fight doesn't stop because of a virus in the program.  

That's BANGALORE  

Senario 6  

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch.

A guy comes along and quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this nonsense..

Peace settles in...  

That's CHENNAI  

Scenario 7  

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who's right.  

You are in KOLKATA  

Scenario 8  

Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes from nearby house and says,

"don't fight in front of my place, go zum where else and keep fighting".  

That's KERALA  !  

And the best one is ....  

Scenario 9  

Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes along with a carton of beer.

All sit together drinking beer and abusing each other and all go home as friends.  

You are in GOA  !!!

RETIREMENT BONUS

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humour impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, '  Vietnam

Indon, Bangla & Malaysian

An Indonesian, a Bangladeshi and a Malaysian are in a bar one night having a beer.

The Indonesian finishes his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

He brags, "In Jakarta our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Bangladeshi obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Malaysian, cool as a cucumber, finishes his drink, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Indonesian & the Bangladeshi.

He says "In KL we have so many Indons and Banglas that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

Life in Dubai after 1 year..... once UAE ID card in place 

An Expat calling Pizza Hut in Dubai

Operator: ' Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your...'

Customer: 'Salam Ale koum, can I order..'

Operator: 'Can I have your UAE identity card number please, Sir?'

Customer: ' It's eh..., hold........ ..on..... .889861356102049 998-45-54610'

Operator: 'OK... you're... Mr Waleed from Syria and you're calling from Flat #402, Al Maskaan Building, Bur Dubai. Your home number is  04-3661231  04-3661231, your office number is   04-8852302  04-8852302 & your mobile number is  050-2665667  050-2665667. Where has the delivery to take place Sir?'

Customer: ' Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator: ' We are connected to the system Sir'

Customer: 'May I order your Seafood Pizza...'

Operator : 'That's not a good idea Sir'

Customer: 'How come?'

Operator :'According to our medical records - you went for your check up last week to Welcare Hospital & you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir'

Customer:'What? ... What do you recommend then?'

Operator :'Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it'

Customer:'How do you know for sure?'

Operator :'You borrowed a book entitled 'Popular Hokkien Dishes' from the National Library in Deira, last week Sir'

Customer:'OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?'

Operator :'That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is Dirham 112.00'

Customer: 'Can I pay by credit card?'

Operator :'I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your First Gulf credit card is over the limit and you owe Citibank Credit card another Dirham 3,720.55 since October. That's  not including the late payment charges on your housing loan to NBD, Sir.'

Customer: 'I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives'

Operator :'You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on HSBC ATM withdrawal for today'

Customer: 'Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?'

Operator : 'About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Honda Civic...'

Customer: 'What!'

Operator :'According to the details in system ,your Honda Civic's Registration ie Malkia is expiring in 23 days & your Gargash Insurance has already got expired last week.....

Customer:'?? ??'

Operator :'Is there anything else Sir?'

Customer: 'Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me those 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?'

Operator : 'We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic.... ... '

Customer:#$$ ^%&$@$% ^ tm kiere.....abe ytga...npiye! !!!!!!...... ....... .

Operator :'Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 2008 on Dubai Hatta Road, when you wrongly overtook the BMW & you were convicted of using abusive language also on the policeman... ?'

Customer (fainted)

Operator: hello hello, are you still there....